The Voices Inside My Head – Yvonne Aore

YIN: Nope, try that again. That intro sucks.

YANG: Chill, Yin. Give her time, geez. Writing is an art, you know.

YIN: Doing it for how many years and still cannot nail an intro? Yikes!

YANG: You did not say that. Okay, Lisa. Start again. Listen to your heart…

YIN: As opposed to what? The voices in her head… HAHAHA.

*

For as long as I can remember, the voices in my head have been with me; one rude and condescending, the other soft and nurturing. I thought they mimicked my primary caregivers growing up. They are always there, sometimes too loud; people look at me weird when I talk back. So I figured out a way around it.

‘I’m on the phone’, I say when weird gazes meet me after I have been talking to myself. I always walk with my pods in or earphones on. Do not want people thinking I am losing my mind.

YIN: There you go. Though that intro could be tighter.

YANG and LISA: Shut up, Yin!

*

We debate, listen, and cry together. They give me tough love when I feel like I am going to break, and they comfort me when I feel low. But sometimes they are in the forefront when I make bad decisions.

YANG: You do not need to take a loan to buy that dress, you know. You have no means to pay it back.

YIN: Ah! We only live once. This dress will look good Saturday night on that date with Mr Casper the Ghost, you know.

LISA: His name is Brad, okay!

YANG: Wait, we are going on a date with Brad? Hadn’t we blocked him?

YIN: Miss lover girl here does like to get her heart broken. You love toxic situationships, don’t you?

LISA: Yang, I do not need a lecture.

YANG: I hate it when you make me side with Yin. Remember the heartache from last time? We thought we had lost you. Those silent, late-night tears. Are you not tired?

YIN: Hey, Lisa… psst. You always bounce back, remember? Nothing breaks you. You are strong. Buy that bodycon dress and give him a night he will never forget.

LISA: Yin does make a good point. I have never really broken from anything sent my way.

YIN: You go, girl…

YANG: Oh boy!

*

72 hours later…

YANG: He did it again, right? Brad did it again. What happened?

YIN: We tried to warn you, didn’t we?

LISA: After how long can I take a pregnancy test? I had sex with a man who treated me like he hates me.

YANG: I think it’s two weeks. But we can Google first.

LISA: I will be alone if I am pregnant. I never learn. I do not have the finances for a baby. I won’t even be able to tell Brad. He will probably ignore me.

YIN: Well, at least your expectations are low.

YIN: Listen. We wait for the 10 days to pass, and then we make a decision, okay? It is too soon to jump to conclusions.

YIN: Hahahah! Indeed you never learn. That guy has not an ounce of respect for you, and yet you keep going back.

LISA: Yin, who helped me make that decision? I sure was not alone. You are the one who convinced me to text him. Remember?

YANG: Listen, the endless squabbles do not help, okay? Go for a walk. You can even visit Rachel…

YIN: Yeah, go talk to the girl who makes even worse decisions. Go trauma-bond or something.

LISA: Shut up, both of you.

*

YIN: By the way, his sex is not even that good.

YANG: Apart from the looks, he’s got nothing.

Yin and Yang laugh. I cannot help but smile too. Four years of being on and off, and not a single orgasm can be attributed to his name. I think I was just addicted to the toxicity.

Anyway. Nine days later, because curiosity killed me, I peed on a stick. The test came back negative. A few days later, my period came.

YANG: Oh-oh. I know that look, Lisa. Don’t…

YIN: Please do. Text him. You have not been traumatised enough. This time round, make sure he breaks you, since you love the pain so much. You, old-school lover.

LISA: Just one more time. I promise I won’t go back again.

YANG: Oh dear. Here we go again.

YIN: Yes, your stories are going to be lit. Imagine the Google history one month from now: ‘Is it avoidance or lack of interest? Or, even better, ‘How to get over a narcissist.’ ‘How to survive dating as an anxiously attached person.’

YANG: Yin, you got it all figured out, right? Smart-ass.

LISA: Maybe I should check his socials. See if he is dating anyone.

YANG: You are going to be obsessed again. Remember how you went through his ex’s timeline, looking for tweets from ten years ago?

YIN: Screenshotting and all. That was fun. Stalker mode was the best time. You found out he was treating her better than he ever treated you. That must have hurt.

YANG: But she left him. She noticed he was toxic and left. Yet you are here four years later stuck on the same man, who, to be honest, ain’t shit.

LISA: Maybe he will change. Can’t I go find out?

YIN: You ask as if you listen. Your majesty, do as you please.

*

Yes, I do make the worst decisions when it comes to men. Thirty-five, still single, and never been in a long-term relationship. I wish it was not human to want companionship; to belong, to love, to crave, to yearn. Somehow, I always get it wrong. Sometimes, both Yin and Yang encourage me to text or reach out. Then, when things go awry, they go silent. Zero accountability. At those times, I get really mad, yelling at them.

YANG: Lisa, we love you.

LISA: Oh, shut up.

But I do really love them. In solitude, they keep me company. They help me brainstorm, make tough decisions, and fuel my creativity.

YIN: Ooh, my girl, you loved it, didn’t you? He did something, huh?

YANG: Girl, we felt it too.

LISA: Did you see how he moved? Like he wanted to get deep inside me and snatch my soul. My goodness, that was intense. Did you hear the groans he let out when he was close?

YANG: Oh this is juicy…

LISA: I didn’t know where to grab, so I dug my nails into his back. He just kept going on and on until I told him to stop. When we were done, he smelled like me.

YIN: Six rounds, baby. Six rounds in less than 24 hours. No wonder you’re sore.

LISA: My thighs hurt, but it was worth it. I literally sucked the spit from his mouth. How erotic is that?

YANG: Till our lip bled, baby. Till you tasted iron.

YIN: Wow, let’s clap for the literary genius.

YANG: You are jealous because I influence her writing more.

Yeah, I had met a new love interest. His name was Mannie. He came over to my house.

YIN: No, baby. He invited himself over to YOUR house; because he still lives with his momma and poppa…

LISA: Please let me narrate. And he had lost his job. Where else could he go?

YIN: How about not your house? How about let HIM pay for a first date? All you have now are sexual memories. Nothing unique there.

YANG: Yin, shut up. Let’s hear the details. Nothing wrong with him coming over, Lisa. At least it happened on your terms.

YIN: Hahaha, okay, Mrs Build-a-Bear. She won’t say it, but that was cheap and tacky. And you know it too. He dropped his pants fast. Didn’t even need help. Once he saw that red dress…

LISA: That dress was fire…

YIN: …he did not care how long it took to find it. He undressed you at lightning speed. You wore it for fifteen minutes, tops.

YANG: By the way, he was hungry. Lisa-hungry. He walked in and was all over you instantly. I thought it was sweet.

LISA: So did I. First round, we did not even take all our clothes off.

YIN: And that thing he did with his tongue…

LISA: Oh my, his tongue is a clit genius. He locked his mouth in one place and let his tongue work. I bet his ex taught him that. I climaxed.

YANG: You finally found someone who understands your body.

YIN: Nope, she found someone who understands a WOMAN’s autonomy.

YANG: Miss Know-It-All. Mannie actually likes Lisa. See how they cuddled?

LISA: He was so warm. I felt his heartbeat; rigid, fast. His sweat dripped down my face as he fucked me senseless.

YANG: Didn’t he leave his shirt?

LISA: Yeah. All dripping with pheromones. I will never wash it.

YIN: Say what you are really thinking. We saw it too.

LISA: I kept staring at him. While we cuddled, he looked small. I thought, how am I this sore? It is tiny. Until morning, when I gave him head.

YANG: Then the magic happened.

LISA: He always said he was a grower. I knew theoretically, but now I saw. It grew in my mouth. Did you see that size?

YIN: Yeah, Lisa. We were present.

LISA: By the way, Yin, you need to stop intruding during my intimate moments. Casting doubts and all. Intimacy almost sucked because of you.

YIN: If it did, it is because of your insecurities. Why not get intimate with a man you are 100% sure likes you?

YANG: Oh, wet blanket. Lisa, continue. We heard how he moaned. 

YIN: We all know Lisa is a head connoisseur. Even Brad appreciated that.

LISA: And it wasn’t even my best. His pubic hair kept getting in the way. But I loved how he didn’t force my head down.

YANG: Unlike Brad…

LISA: When he was ready to cum, he told me.

YIN: Yup, like an informal email.

LISA: He tasted so good. I swallowed every drop. No mess. No cleanup.

YIN: Throat goat indeed.

YANG: But… you did not use protection.

YIN: At least this time you both got tested.

Yes, I never learn. I was happy I did not have to worry about pregnancy, but I was not expecting us to go through one pack so fast. It was late night; he said he’s good at edging. I believed him. Unlike with Brad, when I told him my period was late, Mannie stood by me. When the test came back negative, it was a shared relief.

YIN: If he’s so good, why hasn’t he texted you? Three weeks now, right?

LISA: He said we should not be codependent. To live my life too.

YIN: Does that sound like someone who loves you?

YANG: Lisa, you are big on communication. This bugs you.

YIN: I always say; let a man earn you. Then he values you. You were too accessible. What do you always say, Lisa? That you come already in love?

YANG: Maybe he is just busy. He will check up when free.

YIN: No one’s that busy. You know it. He was not invested like you were. Still feeling butterflies when you think of him?

Yeah, the butterflies were gone. I see Mannie on socials, out with friends. I want to reach out, but pride won’t let me.

YIN: Look at you now; sad and lonely. Who told you to send that risky message? Now you know. He does not really rate you.

YANG: Oh, Yin, cut her slack. Do not worry, baby. We will get it right next time.

YIN: Boo. You are 36 now. Next time where?

YANG: Love has no age limit.

YIN: Maybe try the Gen Zs. Their stamina’s off the roof, just how you like it. Still, lover boys, not contaminated by the dating scene.

LISA: You know what… maybe I will.

*

The Voices Inside My Head is my survival manual, my diary, my stage play. Yin laughs at my pain. Yang warns me of cliffs. And me? I leap anyway.

Because in the end, I do not know how to live without them.

Yvonne Aore is a Kenyan writer whose work blends humour, vulnerability, and the surreal. Her stories move between the intimate and the absurd, weaving inner voices, memory, and desire into confessional narratives. She was recently published in Brittle Paper, The Kalahari Review, The Underground Bookshelf, Lend Me Your Scream, and Writers Space Africa. When she is not writing, she is usually chasing down half-remembered dreams, researching myth and folklore, or finding new ways to laugh at heartbreak.

*Image by Kato Blackmore on Unsplash